Atlanta attorney Ralph Goldberg filed the petition last week in Putnam County Superior Court on behalf of nine individuals, three self-described aliens and one human reincarnated deity who own the Nuwaubian's 476-acre village west of Eatonton. Last month the commissioners upheld a decision by county building inspector J.D. "Dizzy" Adams to deny the permit.

In the petition, Goldberg said his clients had been a little conflicted in what they planned to do with the building, but now they are in complete consensus. The building will be a nude dance club, or more accurately, an anatomical research facility. Anticipating resistance from county officials, Goldberg was quick to point out why certain county ordinances would not apply.

"They can’t pull out the old ‘no nudity with alcohol’ ordinance. This is strictly a scientific research facility but some of our researchers require alcohol for medicinal purposes. The aliens in the Nuwaubian mother ship want to know more about human anatomy. Our dancers will simply demonstrate the flexibility and range of motion of the human body. Of course, we’ll stick to female subjects for now since the aliens have expressed more interest in that," Goldberg said.

Wilkinson denies nude club's appeal over proximity to cow pasture

IRWINTON - The Wilkinson County Commission and Camp House Sports Bar will take their nude-dancing battle to court.

The commission voted unanimously Tuesday to deny the club's appeal of the decision last month not to renew the club's beer and wine license. Club attorney Alan Begner argued that the county's ordinance requiring nude dance clubs to be a minimum distance from cow pastures is vague and moot.

"This isn't about offending cows, is it?" Begner asked commissioners. "This ordinance smells worse than that cow pasture."

The commission voted last month not to renew the club's beer and wine license because club owner William Jones lives in Twiggs County. Also, the county's only nude club is located within 1,000 feet of a cow pasture.

Begner argued the commission considered the location of Camp House when it first approved Jones' beer and wine license in 1998. The board's minutes state the commissioners discussed the club's location and decided to overlook it, Begner said.

Commissioner C.L. Brooks indicated that the commission has since received feedback from offended cows some of whom have lived in the county for many years. "We simply can't be insensitive to their plight," Brooks said.

Camp House opened in January 1999 on Ga. 57 as a bar serving beer and wine. In June, it began featuring nude dancers. Shortly thereafter, area cows began a chorus of raucous mooing and bellowing.

"We will continue with the litigation," said club consultant John Chambers, who owns other Middle Georgia nude-dancing clubs, "we've heard some bull stories before but this cow angle is new."

Sabotage alleged in Teasers evidence loss

WARNER ROBINS - District Attorney Kelly Burke has dismissed drug charges against employees at Teasers Show Bar, saying there was insufficient evidence to prosecute the cases. Burke had felony state drug charges dropped Tuesday against four club employees because "the evidence to successfully prosecute mysteriously disappeared," Burke said.

"I'm not saying these things didn't happen ... but I can't successfully prosecute the case when the video tapes and pills disappear," Burke said.

The city planned to use those cases and others as proof of criminal activity at the adult club to revoke its alcohol license at a hearing Thursday. But City Attorney Jim Elliott said Burke's decision not to prosecute does not change the city's plans.

"The investigation will continue as long as it takes," Elliott said. "Since they're familiar with our officers, it may take a while."

The club has filed a motion in federal court to stop the city's attempt to revoke the club's license.

Burke alleged that city police destroyed evidence in order to prolong the investigation. "I think they're enjoying this investigation a little too much," Burke said. "I think I'll have to get personally involved and go undercover to make sure it's done right this time. But it may take me a while to gather enough good evidence."

Participation would be voluntary, at least at first, Ellis said, but the program would benefit students whose parents or guardians work during the day and don't have time to indoctrinate their children in the finer points of political correctness. One program will focus exclusively on appropriate times to keep one’s mouth shut.

The mayor described his plans Monday during a meeting with The Macon Telegraph's editorial board. Among other things, Ellis also discussed the need for an internal auditor, his missing left sock and his upcoming meeting with Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker.
The controversy over the Rocker’s published remarks has thrust Ellis into the national spotlight, which in turn, revealed a shiny left ankle. Asked about his missing left sock, Ellis said he planned to loan it to Rocker for emergency use. "Should he see a reporter approaching, I’ll suggest to Mr. Rocker that he put a sock in it."

"My momma always said an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If we had after-school programs to teach sensitivity and stamp out bigotry and an internal auditor to make sure it's done right, we might avoid insensitive remarks like Mr. Rocker's," Ellis said. "Then again, if we could stamp out ignorance and stupidity, we could solve a lot of problems."

 Cloning scientists to improve Macon City Council

ATHENS - Georgia researchers working on cattle cloning aren't just trying to produce a better steak. Eventually, animal cloning may provide new sources of medicines and organs, and perhaps more effective elected representatives.

The University of Georgia and the Georgia Research Alliance, which is responsible for attracting world-class scientists to the state, have persuaded a leading expert to conduct cloning research in Athens.

Steve Stice and his staff will focus initially on cloning genetically superior cattle. More consistent cattle would provide higher-quality beef for consumers.

"We're also doing some work for a client in the city of Macon. We'll create some genetically bovine city council members who will look just like the current council but who will in fact be cows. Our client in that research says that some mooing and bellowing won't be noticed since the current council makes similar noises and is capable of blank bovine stares already," Stice said. Stice declined to name the client sponsoring the council bovine cloning. "We were specifically told not to use bulls so as to avoid head-butting and other bull behaviors and by-products which are already abundant."

Because of the complexities of the technology, it could be five to 10 years before cattle cloned in Macon are available to assume office.

A training exercise designed to help Southwest High School faculty and staff prepare for a crisis has left some of them upset with school administrators---some are pressing for dry cleaning reimbursement.

Southwest held a mandatory training session Monday at the Crowne Plaza Hotel, during which one teacher was "robbed" by another in disguise. During the exercise, which lasted about two minutes, the "robber" carried a track starting pistol and fired one blank.

The exercise was intended to prepare personnel for a potentially life-threatening crisis, Southwest Principal Gail Fowler said. However, Fowler said, some staff and faculty were too shaken up to appreciate the lesson.

"Perhaps the smoke-bomb and fake hand-grenade were a little too much," Fowler said. A mock hand grenade was tossed into the crowd of on-looking teachers, glancing off the head of one teacher. Several others were injured in the mad rush to dive for cover. Social studies law teacher John Mathews was injured slightly when his head hit the concrete while simulating being gunned down. Mathews was the master-mind behind the exercise.

"Serves the knucklehead right," said one unidentified teacher with soiled pants who was not amused with the exercise.

Fowler says future training will continue to prepare teachers for crisis situations. "Our next session will be at Six Flags in Atlanta where we'll put teachers in the Ninja and Batman rides. We need to know that teachers can do more than wet their pants when something scary happens," Fowler said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins